Swimming good, but snorkeling better. Of course, where I am you can swim every day, but snorkeling requires paying to be on a boat, so it’s not an every day activity. But there are options nearby Krabi, and I’m going to take them. First up, 4 Islands Day Trip With Snorkeling. Yes, please.

Four Islands

I should have been suspicious… I should probably just stop there. I just should have been suspicious. Anyway, I should have been suspicious when I asked if they had fins available and they said no, just masks and snorkels. I’ve never been on a snorkeling trip that didn’t offer the full kit, so that was odd.

And mask and snorkel weren’t required, as at this point I travel with my own set. Poor fit and comfort can ruin an otherwise great snorkeling trip. I even have my own flotation vest. That probably sounds like overkill, but it isn’t. I’m not a strong enough swimmer at this point to go without flotation, and life vests suck as swim aids.

It’s right in the name: they’re meant to preserve your life. They are designed, with flotation front and back, to keep you upright in the water. Until you can be rescued. So if you’re wearing one to swim horizontally, with your face down in a mask, they will constantly be attempting to pull you up. You’re working against them.

Instead, I have a small lightweight vest that inflates with air, but only in the front. Put your face in the water and the vest will keep you in that position, so you’re never fighting against it. I also travel with my own pillow. It’s interesting what qualifies as essential when you do this long term.

I looked around Ao Nang to see if I can rent or buy a set of flippers, but since there’s no snorkeling in town, there aren’t any dive shops with gear. That’s fine. I’ll make do.

The van picks me up and delivers me to a churning sea of island hoppers. The seven people in my van are instantly absorbed into the chaos. Both speedboats and long tail boats leave from this zone. I’m on a long tail boat which seated 17 for my group. I can’t headcount a group this large and spread out, but it adds up to a lot of boats.

A trainee picked us up from the van and gestured vaguely towards a series of tables with people lined up to check in. I somehow found the correct line, checked in, and was given a colored rubber bracelet, which identified my group. This is how they wrest order from the chaos.

I was reminded of nothing so much as the tiffin wallah system in Mumbai, where over 5,000 people deliver over 200,000 bespoke lunches every day using a completely manual color-coding system. If you ever want to see a technology consultant cry, and who doesn’t, just bring up the tiffin wallah system.

This whole arrangement was a huge red flag: too many boats, too many people, too few islands. Maybe we were all going different places. But no. Another red flag I missed was that the Four Island Tour was offered by multiple tour operators, all going to the same places. This machine was on rails, and I was just a cog. Might as well relax.

Railay Beach

Railay Beach was confusing. For so many reasons. First, we landed at one end of a little crescent bay. There was no beach there, as it was just where the boats pulled up and dropped anchor. I naturally assumed the beach was at the other end of the harbor, so I walked there and found nothing but more boats anchored.

I asked one of the workers where the beach was, and he pointed me back the way I came and told me to turn right when I got to the end. In order to get to the beach, you have to take a path that leads… away from the water. How did I miss that? So obvious.

And that was obviously the beach experience, as well.

I swam. Because that’s what I came to do, until there was snorkeling. But that is legit the most crowded beach I have ever been on. There were also enrichment activities, which I thought was sweet.

I noticed a white sand beach a ways off that looked like it had fewer people. It was back in the direction of the dock, so I figured I’d head down there and then return.

What I didn’t reckon on was my complete absence of anything like a sense of direction.

The path from the dock basically cut across the narrow part of the island to get to the beach on the other side. But the other beach wasn’t in that direction at all. By the time I got there and realized I’d have to retrace my steps to get back to the dock, there was no time left to swim. I had to hustle to get to my boat on time.

Fine. The grapes were sour there anyway. Almost as many people as at the main beach.

Railay feels like one of those places people go to because people go there, until there’s so little reason to go that everyone has forgotten what the original appeal was. Like places named for the natural feature that was destroyed to build it.

Like the lovely development of Twin Oaks. Go ahead, look for the oaks. I’ll wait.

Right?

Chicken Island

We bid farethewell, less than fondly, to Railay…

And head to our first snorkeling stop, Chicken Island. Or, as I later learned, our only snorkeling stop. I was gutted to learn that it wasn’t an island full of chickens. If someone took you to Monkey Island and there were no monkeys, you’d be pissed, right?

Chicken Island boasted more than just an absence of chickens. It also enjoyed a near complete absence of sea life. Allow me to quote the tour listing: “Snorkel with a colorful coral reefs and fish at Chicken Island.”

I submit to you now, the evidence.

OK, I’m swimming in the Andaman Sea on tropical islands off the Thai coast and I’m all, “It was crowded. There were no fish!” So, asshole. We can all agree. But I also think we can all agree that Chicken Island was a grim snorkeling experience for a tour that touted colorful reefs and fish.

It was also just as crowded as Railay Beach. All the boats dropped anchor in the same spot next to one another, so the flailing snorkelers were all shoulder to shoulder. I ran into other swimmers constantly, like slow-moving cars bouncing off each other in an ice storm. We were offered a generous fifteen minutes of snorkeling, because, really, who would want more than that?

I asked our guide about it, and he confessed that if I wanted snorkeling I was on the wrong tour. Then take it out of the fucking name of the tour.

At least I now understood the absence of flippers. What would have been the point?

Koh Mar & Koh Tub Islands

I suppose after all the carping I should acknowledge a bonus island, as island #3 was two islands, connected by a narrow white sandbar at low tide. Which would have been lovely and magical if every one of the people who’d been at the previous stops wasn’t also there. It felt like a Disneyland ride all thousand of us were on together. That’s one crowded roller coaster.

I know that complimenting people, especially women people, on their appearance is gross. “Nice rack” may be objectively true, but even I know it’s not ok. “Nice ink” seems like a different matter, though. Ink isn’t an inalienable attribute that says nothing about who you are as a person. Ink is a choice, a reflection of taste and values. So while I don’t do it often, I will occasionally be moved to call out an especially fine example (looking at you, Urnaburga).

I saw this particular piece on a woman who was being photographed by her boyfriend for the Gram (I saw them taking pictures at the next island and she was wearing a different bathing suit).

I was taken not only because it’s objectively amazing, but because it appeared to be Sak Yant, like the one I got in Cambodia. So I wasn’t just moved to compliment her, I also wanted to ask her if it was Sak Yant, because I didn’t know they could be executed with color. The monk doing mine didn’t offer, it was just black ink for you, farang. I was prepared to feel gypped.

What I wasn’t prepared for was being asked if I wanted a picture with her. Sure? I stood there awkwardly and he told me “Ok to touch her.” That didn’t seem like his call, so I checked.

I don’t think that made it less awkward.

It was Sak Yant, by the way. So, yeah. Gypped.

Koh Poda

Island #4, Koh Poda, was both the longest stop, about two hours, and the longest beach. We were able to spread out a bit, so it didn’t feel quite so rush hour. We were fed an entirely plausible lunch before returning.

So let’s put this in perspective. It’s not so much that the day sucked as that it was unnecessary. I’m a fifteen minute walk to Khlong Muang beach, which offers the same warm, wet water without the crowds. I took the tour to do something I couldn’t do at Khlong Muang, which was snorkel. Which only occurred in the technical sense.

I mean, I did my due diligence. They said snorkeling at a colorful reef with colorful fish. Again, technically correct, but wildly misleading. I think my takeaway from this is to look at the itineraries more closely. If multiple tour operators are offering precisely the same itinerary, you’re being offered a canned tourist experience. Which is why, for the most part, we don’t do tours, which is maybe the larger learning.

For example, there are elephant sanctuaries here, many purporting to be “ethical.” There were lots of tour operators offering identical tours, but I found one of the sanctuaries that would pick you up and take you back if you booked their half-day experience, which I did. I am 100% certain that I had a better experience than if I’d booked with a tour operator.

On the other hand, 4 Islands Day Trip With Snorkeling cost all of $24.01 for a day on and in the water. So I should probably just shut the fuck up.